What's in a Name?
by ablast4
Summary: Someone renames all the zanpakto in Seireitei, so Ukitake, Kyoraku, and Matsumoto are chosen to investigate.  T for language.
1. The Crisis

What's in a Name?

Someone renames all the zanpakto in Seireitei, so Ukitake, Kyoraku, and Matsumoto are chosen to investigate.

I Don't own Bleach

A/N: I thought about it and I've decided to move my vote for hottest guy in bleach from Byakuya to Jushiro.

"Captain Unohana! I have a big problem!" Isane shouted as she burst into her captain's office.

Unohana looked up from the paperwork she was filling out. "Is it _that_ again?" she asked.

Isane blushed. "Eh, er, no! It's something else! Itegumo won't respond to me!" Isane panicked.

"I've been having the same problem with Minazuki," Unohana confessed.

"Really? We should go talk to someone about this," Isane stated.

"We should. Come, Isane. We're going to go visit Captain Kurotsuchi," Unohana commanded.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Isane said meekly.

"I do," Unohana said, smiling her demonic smile.

"Right... Let's go then..." Isane said, terrified.

"Yes, let's" Unohana switched back to her soft smile and exited her office. Isane followed.

"No, I don't know anything about this yet, but I assure you that I'm looking into it. My Ashisogijizo has been acting the same way, I'll get to it when I'm done installing my poison injecting teeth," Mayuri told them.

"I understand. Thank you for your time. We'll be going now," Unohana said.

Mayuri was already too engrossed in his work to respond.

"Captain, are we really just going to give up so easily?" Isane asked timidly.

"You're welcome to go back and ask him yourself if you want to, Isane," Unohana told her.

"No thanks. I'll just stay with you," Isane replied.

"Good, now let's go see the head-captain," Unohana said.

"Right," Isane answered.

"I see. So it's not just me. That our zanpakto are not responding to us is a cause for great concern. I will have a team assembled to discover the cause of this," Yamamoto decided.

"Thank you, Head-Captain," Unohana said.

"Ukitake, Kyoraku, I have called you here to be the investigative team to discover the reason for our zanpakto not responding to our calls. I have chosen you two, because you are my most trusted disciples," Yamamoto announced.

"And I'm here because...?" Rangiku started.

"You know a lot about the gossip in Soul Society, so you can probably pick up a rumor about this from somewhere," Yamamoto told her.

"Okay..." Rangiku responded.

"Now, all of you, get going!" Yamamoto commanded. "I want to be able to roast marshmallows again!" he thought to himself.

"So what should we do first?" Ukitake asked as they walked down an alley.

"Well I guess we should just split up and investigate individually. Rangiku can ask all the SWA members, Jushiro, you take the remaining captains, and I'll take the remaining lieutenants," Shunsui ordered.

"Really? I would have thought that you would have wanted to be the one to question Nanao," Jushiro commented.

"I do, but we have to think objectively here. She's more likely to talk to Rangiku," Shunsui replied.

"Oh, so I'm here because people will talk to me?" Rangiku asked.

"No, sorry. He wanted Unohana to be our third member, but she's too busy. Old Man Yama just put all the lieutenants' names in my hat and picked one out at random," Shunsui informed her.

"But if it makes you feel any better, we think you're the most suited lieutenant for this job," Jushiro told her.

"Enough talking. Let's split up now. We'll meet at my office around sunset," Shunsui ordered.

"Right," Jushiro answered.

Ukitake and Kyoraku disappeared, leaving Rangiku standing alone in the alley.

"Jeez, those two are in a hurry," Rangiku thought aloud. She then continued to stroll down the alley at a leisurely pace.

At the end of the day they all met in Kyoraku's office.

"So, did anyone find anything out?" Shunsui asked his team, for he had been unconsciously elected leader.

"Nothing," Jushiro answered.

"Same here, all the zanpakto were unresponsive, but no one knew anything," Rangiku also answered.

"Well then, it seems everyone has the same story. This sure is annoying. Let's get some sleep and see if we find out anything tomorrow," Shunsui told them.

"Captain Kyoraku, guess what!" Rangiku shouted as she burst into his office the following morning.

"Roof," Nanao said coolly, pointing up.

"Shunsui, guess what!" Rangiku shouted as she ran across the roof towards the napping captain.

"You heard from your zanpakto too?" Shunsui guessed.

"Yeah, but it also," Rangiku started.

"Told you to call it by a stupid sounding name?" Shunsui cut her off.

"How do you know?" Rangiku asked.

"Ask Katen Cop-a-Feel," Shunsui said miserably.

"Katen Cop-a-Feel? That totally fits you," Rangiku laughed.

"Oh? It does, does it? And what, might I ask, is your zanpakto's new name?" Shunsui asked mischievously.

Rangiku stopped laughing. "Whine-neko," She answered sulkily.

"I figured it would be something like that," Shunsui chuckled.

"It's not funny!" Rangiku yelled indignantly, "I don't whine at all."

"I think Toshiro and his enormous stack of paperwork would say otherwise," Shunsui countered.

"So... Should we go talk to Captain Ukitake now?" Rangiku asked, completely avoiding the subject.

"I guess we'd better," Shunsui sighed and got up.

"So that's how it is, huh?" Jushiro nodded, "Well at least yours' make sense. I mean, Sogyo no Poopyhead? That's not clever! It's just rude."

"I know, right? I kinda feel bad for you," Shunsui told him sympathetically.

"Well, since the three of our zanpakto told us their, er, new names, I think it's safe to assume it's the same with all of the other soul reapers. We should split up and re-check everyone we talked to yesterday," Jushiro contemplated.

"Yeah, let's go," Shunsui agreed.

Shunsui and Jushiro flashed out of the office, leaving Rangiku by herself, again.

"Aren't they supposed to be old?" Rangiku thought to herself as she walked out of the office casually.

A/N: While writing this, I realized that these three would make a great detective team and should get their own filler.


	2. The Names

What's in a Name?

Someone renames all the zanpakto in Seireitei, so Ukitake, Kyoraku, and Matsumoto are chosen to investigate.

I Don't own Bleach

A/N: This chapter we will find out most of the new zanpakto names.

"This should be fun," Kyoraku thought as he set off to re-interview the lieutenants, "I wonder what everyone got for their zanpakto names."

* * *

><p><p>

"Hey, Chojiro, waht's up?" Shunsui asked as he approached the Squad One lieutenant.

"I assume you're hear to ask about my zanpakto's pseudonym?" Chojiro suggested.

"That's right," Shunsui answered.

"He's calling himself Gonry-Unnoticed," Chojiro told him.

"I see. Thank you," Shunsui said before leaving. "Maybe this won't be that fun," he thought drearily.

* * *

><p><p>

"Can you please tell me what your zanpakto's name became?" Jushiro asked nicely.

"I told you. It wouldn't make a difference," Unohana answered.

"We're collecting the names of all the zanpakto to see if there's a pattern that could give us a clue as to whom the perpetrator is. Minazaki's new name is important to us," Jushiro explained.

"Are you sure? It's embarrassing, so I don't want to share it. You understand don't you?" Unohana smiled scarily as she finished talking.

Jushiro cringed. He does, however, have some resistance to Unohana's powers. If anyone can say no to her, it's him.

"Yes, I understand it's embarrassing, but I believe you also understand that it is important to the investigation which _you_ requested. So how about you just tell me the name, and I'll only tell the others if they absolutely need to know it," Jushiro suggested.

"Alright then. I trust you," Unohana conceded. She whispered the name into Jushiro's ear.

"I can see why that would be embarrassing, but I promise to withhold this from everyone else unless this puts them in immediate danger," Jushiro told her.

"Good. You won't break your promise, will you?" Unohana asked.

"Of course I won't," Jushiro assured her, "I have to go talk to some of the other captains now. Bye."

* * *

><p><p>

"Hey, Captain Soiiiiiifooooooon!" Rangiku called to the figure currently instructing a large group of ninjas, "I need to ask you some questions!"

"I've old you already, Matsumoto, I won't train you to be a ninja, and I won't give you a uniform unless you are one of the ninjas," Soifon snapped, "I don't care how badly you want to do the ninja photo-shoot, It's not going to happen!"

"No, it's not about that this time. I'm here to ask what your zanpakto got named," Rangiku pouted. "Also, I don't see why not, the ninja uniforms are skin-tight, so they would be great for a sexy photo-shoot. I'll let you be in it if you let me borrow some," she added enticingly.

"Absolutely not! Squad Two still has it's pride! I will not allow you to ruin that by using our uniforms in your porn!" Soifon yelled.

"It's not porn! It just has lewd clothing in it. Besides, I bet Yoruichi would be really into something like this," Rangiku argued.

"You'll have your uniforms tomorrow," Soifon conceded. "Did you say you wanted to ask about Suzumebachi?" She asked.

"Oh right! Thanks for reminding me. What is she called now?" Rangiku inquired.

"Let's discuss this in my office," Soifon said and walked off. Rangiku followed her to the Captain's office.

"She says her name is Suzume-Bitchy," Soifon told her after the were settled in.

Rangiku giggled.

"Well I'm glad you and Whine-Neko find it so amusing," Soifon retorted.

Rangiku sulked.

"But I don't get why my zanpakto would be named Suzume-Bitchy," Soifon thought aloud.

"Um, could it be because the person who named the zanpkato thinks you're a bitch?" Rangiku suggested.

"I only know one person who would think of me as a bitch, and I doubt he would do this. So who could it be?" Soifon pondered.

"I'm pretty sure just about everyone in Soul Society thinks you're a bitch," Rangiku commented.

"Are you saying everyone already knows about the affair I had with Komamura?" Soifon asked hesitantly.

"You sure take things literally, Captain. I mean bitch like annoying as hell, not bitch like a girl dog and oh my god did you just say you had an affair with Komamura!" Rangiku gasped.

"What? So nobody knew about it?" Soifon asked, puzzled.

"Right," Rangiku answered.

"But then I just told you," Soifon continued.

"Right," Rangiku answered.

"And now you're going to tell everyone else," Soifon continued further.

"Right," Rangiku answered.

"Unless I silence you," Soifon concluded.

"Right," Rangiku answered. She blinked a few times. "Oh," she muttered before turning tail and running out of the office. Soifon appeared in front of her.

"Sting my enemies, Suzume-Bitchy!"

* * *

><p><p>

Later that day, after each member had interviewed all of their assigned witnesses, the investigative team met up in Kyoraku's office. The three of them, including Rangiku, settled down to discuss what they learned.

"Alright, so we've made a list of most of the known zanpakto names, but there don't seem to be any patterns that would give us a clue as to who's behind all this," Jushiro summarized.

"There don't seem to be any serious consequences to the re-namings either, it's just an annoyance really," Shunsui added.

"Yeah, we can still use our shikai if we just call them by their new names," Rangiku pointed out. This was emphasized by the large, black butterfly printed on her face.

"Well then I guess there's nothing more to do but get some sleep and hope some more clues show up tomorrow," Jushiro decided.

"Right," Kyoraku agreed.

Jushiro and Kyoraku flashed out of the room to go to their quarters, leaving Rangiku alone in the office.

"I wonder if Shunsui has any sake stashed around here," Rangiku thought aloud and walked over to his desk.

"Already took it!" Nanao shouted from the next room.

"Damn," Rangiku muttered as she sulked back to her own quarters.

A/N: Needless to say, progress on this story has been agonizingly slow at best. But thank you for reading and please review.


End file.
